David M. Brown's Blog

August 22, 2010

The Worst Movies Ever Made

“All Quiet on the Western Front” (1930) — Tiresome retread of theme of persons being pitilessly and senselessly destroyed by war. Spoiler alert: everybody dies.

“Gone with the Wind” (1939) — Tiresome retread of theme of romantic triangle set against Civil War and hoop-skirt backdrop. Love’s labor lost, found, lost. Ends on the obvious point that tomorrow is another day. Spoiler alert: Rhett couldn’t care less.

“Wizard of Oz” (1939) — Tiresome retread of theme of tornado-clunked lass who, eager to escape the tedium of home and the cruelty of a wicked neighbor, does some exotic traveling and meets some interesting people but realizes that none of the colorful novelties she encounters overseas can compare to the good old dreary farm in black-and-white Kansas inhabited by Auntie Em, Uncle Em, and three stooges. Spoiler alert: the wizard is a fraud.

“Citizen Kane” (1941) — Tiresome retread of theme of archetypal, winter-fixated, power-mad kingpin of yellow journalism who enjoys snow globes and sleds. Spoiler alert: Rosebud is a sled.

“Casablanca” (1942) — Tiresome retread of theme of romantic triangle set against Nazi and Vichy backdrop. Spoiler alert: the usual suspects are rounded up and a beautiful friendship is begun.

“It’s a Wonderful Life” (1946) — Tiresome retread of theme of goodie-good guy who all his life long throws away every opportunity for fun and glory for the sake of helping others and therefore decides one depressive day to kill himself, but who is persuaded by a fat angel that if he had in fact either pursued his dreams or never lived at all, why, everybody he now knows to be good and happy and pure would have ended up ugly and miserable and corrupt. Spoiler alert: Clarence gets his wings.

“On the Waterfront” (1954) – Tiresome retread of theme of wannabe contender who hangs out at the waterfront. Spoiler alert: the fight was fixed.

“Seven Samurai” (1954) — Tiresome retread of theme of besieged villagers underpaying the mercenaries who save them. Spoiler alert: killed two.

“Rebel Without a Cause” (1955) — Tiresome retread of theme of angst-ridden teen in a funk because it isn’t the 60s yet. Spoiler alert: Plato’s a goner.

“Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ” (1959) — Tiresome retread of theme of local man who won’t get with the imperialist program, gets a cup of water from Christ, and takes up chariot racing. Spoiler alert: Hur wins.

“Psycho” (1960) — Tiresome retread of theme of man who dresses up as his mom and murders people in showers, stabbing again and again and again. Spoiler alert: he dresses up as his mom.

“The Sound of Music” (1965) — Tiresome retread of theme of ex-nun who yodels her way into the hearts of a large family, imbues them with the power to sing in instantaneously flawless harmony, and crosses the mountains with them to escape the Third Reich. Spoiler alert: the nuns wonder how to solve a problem like Maria.

“The Graduate” (1967) — Tiresome retread of theme of college graduate going for daughter over mom, against all odds. Spoiler alert: plastics.

“2001: A Space Odyssey” (1968) — Tiresome.

“The Godfather” (1972) — Tiresome retread of theme of man who wants nothing to do with the family business but gets sucked into it by the attempted murder of his father and becomes better at it than anybody else, in the process betraying everything he believes and everyone he cares for. Spoiler alert: Michael gets a lesson in making spaghetti.

“Jaws” (1975) — Tiresome retread of theme of village assailed by sneaky shark, amoral mayor, repetitive Jehovah’s-Witnesses-at-the-door music, and Richard Dreyfuss. Spoiler alert: the mauled skinny-dipper was killed by a shark.

“Star Wars” (1977) — Tiresome retread of theme of mysterious all-enveloping, midi-chlorian-or-something-woofed energy web called the Farce. Heroes who tap into the good side of the Farce cause things that are far away fly into their hands, perform stunning acrobatic feats, and fence with humming flashlights; whereas villains who tap into the bad side of the Farce cause things that are far away to fly into their hands, perform stunning acrobatic feats, and fence with humming flashlights. Spoiler alert: Darth Vader is Luke’s father! So they both have a very high midi-chlorian count!

“Taxi Driver” (1976) — Tiresome retread of theme of lunatic taxi driver hailed by media. Spoiler alert: Bickle tries a Mohawk.

“Rocky” (1976) — Tiresome retread of theme of down-and-out loser becoming up-and-in split-decision loser. Spoiler alert: the promo poster for the match gets the shorts wrong.

“Amadeus” (1984) — Tiresome retread of theme of ambitious and critically savvy but musically muddling, envy-ridden man overshadowed by giddy, vulgar boor blessed with soaring artistic genius. Spoiler alert: the aged Salieri detects mediocrity in his confessor.

“Forrest Gump” (1994) — Tiresome retread of theme of feather-brain whose unswerving goodness, determination and ability to recall his mom’s IQ-truncating fortune-cookie advice enable him to triumph over adversity, inspire others to do the same, reap millions, and meet the presidents. Spoiler alert: life is like a box of Candide chocolates.

“Spider-Man” (2002) — Tiresome retread of theme of guilt-ridden, spider-empowered teen who can defeat super villains and climb walls but suffers anxiety over girls, cash flow, and white stuff spurting out of his body. Spoiler alert: J.K. Simmons over-acts.

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