David M. Brown's Blog

May 15, 2011

Introducing the iFail by Apple

Filed under: Technology — davidmbrowndotcom @ 9:48 am

Under unrelenting pressure from Apple critics annoyed that one too many of their predictions of failure have failed to pan out, Apple has designed a sleek-looking but nonfunctional whatsis that nobody sane will ever buy or use, according to a recent press release from the Cupertino firm.

“It just doesn’t work,” states the release.

“Apple fan boys will be disappointed–bitterly,” an Apple spokesman elaborated. “On the other hand, bileful haters, a constituency we have perhaps too long neglected, will rub their hands in glee, feeling vindicated.

“The iFail has been a long time in coming. We’re tired of being underestimated because everything we create sells millions of copies immediately, despite gleeful predictions of failure by thumb-sucking losers. And besides, if so many other companies can create shoddy and unworkable products, why not Apple? It’s not as if we can’t, if we bring together a lot of strange-looking engineers who try really hard for years.

“Our inexplicable lapse with the iFail should also alleviate Justice Department concerns that too many of our products sell too well to customers who want to buy them, thereby hurting competitors who don’t know what they’re doing.”

When it first came out, Apple haters sardonically characterized the iPad as “four iTouches taped together” and “sounding too much like the Maxipad” sanitary napkin. But the product succeeded despite an intense and sustained campaign of vituperative ridicule undertaken with the enthusiastic cooperation of late night comedic monologues, “Saturday Night Live” skits, and blogs.

The iPhone, iTouch and other Apple products also enjoyed revolutionary success despite prolific predictions by haters that they would be pitiful failures.

A similar campaign by the hater-based community against the “notepad,” blasted for being “four smaller notepads taped together” and “sounding too much like the Maxipad” also failed, as did sneering assaults on writing pads, foot pads, seat pads and other pads.

The iFail features a touch screen painted onto a buried microchip housing; three megabytes of RAM accessible only online and only after the user has entered a complicated series of continuously changing Hindi passwords that must be purchased separately; and no trace of aluminiuminium, the proprietary Apple metal based on British-misspelled aluminum. A Smarto-Reflective screen rebuffs all attempts to read contents of the display.

“It’s not going to work,” the haters said, after an initial period of stunned shutting the fuck up. “There are ways to use the touch screen and access the RAM. It just requires a little ingenuity and persistence with a soldering iron and a cotton swab. Mark our words, all the slack-jawed slobbering Apple fan boys will stand around the block to buy it just as they have all other unusable Apple products. Verdict: fail.”


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